No-win situations

In the classic nursery rhyme Three Little Kittens, the mother of the three kittens scolds them for losing their mittens, then praises them for finding their mittens and tells them to put them on and eat some pie. When the kittens put the mittens on and eat some pie, they soil the mittens with berry juice. The mother cat scolds the kittens for getting the mittens soiled even though they only did what she told them to do. From my view, this looks like the kittens were set up.

Young people growing up in unhappy homes often find themselves in situations where they can't win. Either the rules aren't clear, or the rules change constantly or they're not enforced regularly or fairly. It's crazy-making and the effects of this kind of treatment can spill over into the young person's performance in school or at work. If parents or guardians have unreasonable expectations for the young person's performance in school but doesn't offer the support the young person needs to succeed -- for example, a quiet space at home to study, regular visits to the public library, exposure to events and programs that can enhance learning -- the young person might not achieve all that he or she could. That's a no-win situation.

Any number of reasons can be offered to explain why parents would treat their children this way but it might simply be they are unsure or unskilled in establishing and enforcing discipline. Maybe they're not aware they are giving mixed messages. Maybe they're so afraid of appearing uncertain or fear being challenged that they bark orders no matter what those orders are and even if they contradict earlier orders. A young person -- or anyone else for that matter -- growing up in this environment might find it difficult to work through problems, to understand instructions, or to plan and execute a project to completion.

The next time you feel you've entered a no-win situations, do the best you can and remember it's not you that's crazy.

(Illustration by Caitlin B. Alexander.  http://cbaillustration.com/)