Discipline and Control

The Difference Between Discipline and Control

Clinical psychologist Dan Neuharth, Ph.D., describes in his book “If You Had Controlling Parents” the differences between parental discipline and parental control.

“Nearly all controlling parents embody one or more of the eight "styles" of controlling parenting. These styles provide a "You Are Here" point on the map of unhealthy control. Identifying your parents’ styles can help you make sense of what didn’t jibe in your family. Remember the series of lenses an eye doctor alternates before your eyes until you find ones that enable you to see most clearly? Recognizing your parents’ styles offers the right lens that brings into focus the underlying values and themes with which you were raised. The more clearly you view your family’s themes, the more readily you can become your own person. You may find elements of one or more of these styles present in either or both of your parents:

“Smothering  Terrified of feeling alone, Smothering parents emotionally engulf their children. Their overbearing presence discourages independence and cultivates a tyranny of repetition in their children’s identities, thoughts and feelings.

“Depriving  Convinced they will never get enough of what they need, Depriving parents withhold attention and encouragement from their children. They love conditionally, giving affection when a child pleases them, withdrawing it when displeased.

“Perfectionistic  Paranoid about flaws, Perfectionistic parents drive their children to be the best and the brightest. These parents fixate on order, prestige, power and/or perfect appearances.

“Cultlike  Distressed by uncertainty, Cultlike parents have to be "in the know," and often gravitate to military, religious, social or corporate institutions or philosophies where they can feel special and certain. They raise their children according to rigid rules and roles.

“Chaotic   Caught up in an internal cyclone of instability and confusion, Chaotic parents tend toward mood swings, radically inconsistent discipline, and confusing and conflicting messages.

“Using   Determined never to lose or feel one-down, Using parents emotionally feed off their children. Hypersensitive and self-centered, Using parents see others’ gains as their loss, and consequently belittle their children.

“Abusing   Perched atop a volcano of resentment, Abusing parents verbally or emotionally bully — or physically or sexually abuse — their children. When they’re enraged, Abusing parents view their children as threats and treat them accordingly.

“Childlike   Feeling incapable or needy, Childlike parents offer their children little protection. Childlike parents, woefully uncomfortable with themselves, encourage their children to take care of them, thereby controlling their children through role-reversal.”

(http://www.controllingparents.com/stylesof.htm)

Dr. Neuharth goes on to list 10 signs of controlling  parenting.

“Your parents...

1. Overscrutinize your eating, appearance, hobbies, or social life

2. Pressure you with perfectionistic expectations or unattainable standards

3. Forbid you from questioning or disagreeing with them

4. Discourage you from expressing anger, fear or sadness around them

5. Violate your privacy

6. Intimidate, manipulate or overpower you

7. Discourage your efforts to experiment and think for yourself

8. Give you no say in household rules and responsibilities

9. Seem unaware of the pain they cause you or others

10. Seem unwilling to admit they are wrong”

(http://www.controllingparents.com/Signs.htm)