Life with narcissistic parents

Many unhappy homes are made unhappy by at least one narcissistic parent. Young people growing up with a self-absorbed, manipulative and abusive father or mother know a special kind of misery. But these young people eventually grow up and start their own lives. Arlene Matthews Uhl cautions, however, that narcissistic parents rarely if ever change so being prepared for them will help control the amount of damage they can do. Much of the behavior she describes took place while the young person was living at home, too. I have added my own notes in CAPS.

From The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Coping with Difficult People by Arlene Matthews Uhl

Most grown children of narcissists manage to achieve some degree of separation from their parents, or so it would appear. They move out of the house, pursue careers, get married, and start families of their own. But if you are the adult child of narcissistic parents, you already know that they still do not truly treat you as a fully independent adult. Narcissistic parents are renowned for a number of difficult behaviors:

• Giving unwanted advice. These parents want you to live your life according to their script. They have no end of ideas about how your actions will reflect on them, whether it’s why you should go to law school or why you should dump your current love interest. [NARCISSISTIC PARENTS MIGHT DEMAND THAT THEIR TEENAGE CHILDREN TAKE PARTICULAR COURSES AND EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES IN SCHOOL WITHOUT CONSULTING THEM OR REQUIRE APPROVAL OF COMPANIONS AND POTENTIAL DATES.]
• Intruding and snooping. They may barge in unannounced, or call every day and talk at great length. When they’re in your home, they may feel free to peek into your drawers or browse through your outgoing mail. In their minds, they don’t need permission—after all, they’re your parents! [NARCISSISTIC PARENTS MIGHT ENTER A ROOM WITHOUT KNOCKING, IGNORE REQUESTS FOR PRIVACY WHILE A TEENAGE CHILD IS SHOWERING OR BATHING OR OPEN THEIR CHILD'S SNAIL MAIL OR EMAIL.]
• Tuning out or overreacting to “bad news.” Even a relatively minor setback for you can create a near-hysterical reaction in the narcissistic parent, who doesn’t know how to process disappointment appropriately. Alternatively, they might not acknowledge that you could possibly have any problems. [NARCISSISTIC PARENTS WILL IGNORE PROBLEMS OR DIFFICULTIES THEIR CHILDREN ARE HAVING OR LEAVE THEM FOR OTHERS TO RESOLVE OR CLEAN UP.]
• Offering too much information. There are things about our parents that we don’t necessarily want to know—but narcissistic parents will discuss their most private matters anyway. Such moms and dads are also prone to blaming each other for their troubles and trying to get you to take sides. [FOR YOUNG PEOPLE, PARENTS DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE OR RESPECT PARENT / CHILD BOUNDARIES.]
• Acting helpless. Narcissists want attention at any cost. Although they do not enjoy feeling vulnerable, they are not above acting vulnerable if it gets them what they want. Sometimes parents believe that the best way to get their children’s attention is to create situations where they appear to require an inordinate amount of assistance. [FOR YOUNG PEOLE IN UNHAPPY HOMES, THE WORST CONDITION IS TO BE THE CHILD OF A  NARCISSISTIC PARENT WHO IS ALSO A HYPOCHONDRIAC.]