Forms of destructive control

Some controlling tactics are more subtle than others but when combined with fear of disagreeing with or disappointing a parent, these can limit a young person's growth and ability to make his / her own decisions.

Excerpt from http://www.wikihow.com/Cope-With-a-Controlling-Parent

Watch for attempts to isolate you or to trivialize the influence of other loved ones. Control is easier to establish and maintain if you have few people around besides your controlling parent(s). If your parent keeps you away from grandparents, aunts and uncles, or friends, it's a warning sign. Or, if your parent encourages relationships with others, but then says bad things about those people after they're gone, that's a clue, too.

Saying things like, "Your uncle is a nice guy, but for a guy so smart about trout fishing, he has no ambitions above where he is right now. His house is tiny, and he'll probably never be able to do any better than that," tells you that your parent does not respect your uncle at all -- in fact, this kind of remark is intended to influence your opinion and respect for your uncle. Perhaps your uncle is a nice and good person with low ambitions -- he may be content with little, and therefore shuns promotions -- he would rather have less money but more time to go fishing, which costs next to nothing. There's nothing wrong with this philosophy -- it is a simple life choice.

Your parent will have made a different one, perhaps his/her life choice is to be driven and rise higher and higher up the corporate ladder while your not-so-ambitious uncle prefers his simpler, less complicated life and doesn't mind that it also means he makes less money. The choice is value neutral -- it is simply a matter of preference in the big picture, but your parent doesn't respect anyone who doesn't constantly strive, clawing his/her way up -- again, a different philosophy and nothing wrong with it.

But -- your parent really doesn't want you taking your uncle's example, and what s/he is really saying is, "Listen to me, kid, because even though your uncle is nice, he's a loser, and you don't want to end up like him." The parent then makes sure you realize that it's his or her own advice you should always take, and never anyone else's, utterly rejecting a different life philosophy, and in the process, attempting to persuade you to reject not only the philosophy, but the person.

Life with narcissistic parents

Many unhappy homes are made unhappy by at least one narcissistic parent. Young people growing up with a self-absorbed, manipulative and abusive father or mother know a special kind of misery. But these young people eventually grow up and start their own lives. Arlene Matthews Uhl cautions, however, that narcissistic parents rarely if ever change so being prepared for them will help control the amount of damage they can do. Much of the behavior she describes took place while the young person was living at home, too. I have added my own notes in CAPS.

From The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Coping with Difficult People by Arlene Matthews Uhl

Most grown children of narcissists manage to achieve some degree of separation from their parents, or so it would appear. They move out of the house, pursue careers, get married, and start families of their own. But if you are the adult child of narcissistic parents, you already know that they still do not truly treat you as a fully independent adult. Narcissistic parents are renowned for a number of difficult behaviors:

• Giving unwanted advice. These parents want you to live your life according to their script. They have no end of ideas about how your actions will reflect on them, whether it’s why you should go to law school or why you should dump your current love interest. [NARCISSISTIC PARENTS MIGHT DEMAND THAT THEIR TEENAGE CHILDREN TAKE PARTICULAR COURSES AND EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES IN SCHOOL WITHOUT CONSULTING THEM OR REQUIRE APPROVAL OF COMPANIONS AND POTENTIAL DATES.]
• Intruding and snooping. They may barge in unannounced, or call every day and talk at great length. When they’re in your home, they may feel free to peek into your drawers or browse through your outgoing mail. In their minds, they don’t need permission—after all, they’re your parents! [NARCISSISTIC PARENTS MIGHT ENTER A ROOM WITHOUT KNOCKING, IGNORE REQUESTS FOR PRIVACY WHILE A TEENAGE CHILD IS SHOWERING OR BATHING OR OPEN THEIR CHILD'S SNAIL MAIL OR EMAIL.]
• Tuning out or overreacting to “bad news.” Even a relatively minor setback for you can create a near-hysterical reaction in the narcissistic parent, who doesn’t know how to process disappointment appropriately. Alternatively, they might not acknowledge that you could possibly have any problems. [NARCISSISTIC PARENTS WILL IGNORE PROBLEMS OR DIFFICULTIES THEIR CHILDREN ARE HAVING OR LEAVE THEM FOR OTHERS TO RESOLVE OR CLEAN UP.]
• Offering too much information. There are things about our parents that we don’t necessarily want to know—but narcissistic parents will discuss their most private matters anyway. Such moms and dads are also prone to blaming each other for their troubles and trying to get you to take sides. [FOR YOUNG PEOPLE, PARENTS DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE OR RESPECT PARENT / CHILD BOUNDARIES.]
• Acting helpless. Narcissists want attention at any cost. Although they do not enjoy feeling vulnerable, they are not above acting vulnerable if it gets them what they want. Sometimes parents believe that the best way to get their children’s attention is to create situations where they appear to require an inordinate amount of assistance. [FOR YOUNG PEOLE IN UNHAPPY HOMES, THE WORST CONDITION IS TO BE THE CHILD OF A  NARCISSISTIC PARENT WHO IS ALSO A HYPOCHONDRIAC.]

Scars left by child abuse

It might not seem like it sometimes but the world

is not all unhappiness and disappointment.

The creators of Helpguide.org, which publishes self-help articles on mental and emotional wellness, describe the wounds left on children in unhappy homes.

“All types of child abuse and neglect leave lasting scars. Some of these scars might be physical, but emotional scarring has long lasting effects throughout life, damaging a child’s sense of self, ability to have healthy relationships, and ability to function at home, at work and at school. Some effects include:

“Lack of trust and relationship difficulties. If you can’t trust your parents, who can you trust? Abuse by a primary caregiver damages the most fundamental relationship as a child — that you will safely, reliably get your physical and emotional needs met by the person who is responsible for your care. Without this base, it is very difficult to learn to trust people or know who is trustworthy. This can lead to difficulty maintaining relationships due to fear of being controlled or abused. It can also lead to unhealthy relationships because the adult doesn’t know what a good relationship is.

“Core feelings of being ‘worthless’ or ‘damaged.’ If you’ve been told over and over again as a child that you are stupid or no good, it is very difficult to overcome these core feelings. You may experience them as reality. Adults may not strive for more education, or settle for a job that may not pay enough, because they don’t believe they can do it or are worth more. Sexual abuse survivors, with the stigma and shame surrounding the abuse, often especially struggle with a feeling of being damaged.

“Trouble regulating emotions. Abused children cannot express emotions safely. As a result, the emotions get stuffed down, coming out in unexpected ways. Adult survivors of child abuse can struggle with unexplained anxiety, depression, or anger. They may turn to alcohol or drugs to numb out the painful feelings.”

(http://helpguide.org/mental/child_abuse_physical_emotional_sexual_neglect.htm)

Helping Witnesses

From Alice Miller: Child Abuse and Mistreatment
http://www.alice-miller.com/books_en.php?page=2a

Miller writes about a "helping witness"—someone who acts (routinely, or even once at a critical time) with kindness toward the child and who somehow, by looking into the child's eyes, shows the child another way to live and be. This helper may have no idea of his or her role but nonetheless acts as a counterweight to the cruelty or neglect a child experiences. DR Miller says that a critical prerequisite for normal survival is that at least once in their lives, mistreated children come into contact with a person who understands that the environment, not the child, is at fault. This helping witness teaches the child that he or she is worthy of kindness. This lesson is the basis for resilience.

To a Young Friend

Hello X:

I didn't get to hear about your problem with the teacher yesterday before you left. I got the story from (your brother). I don't have to deal with these kinds of problems where I teach. College students are more mature and so don't get into namecalling and such ... at least around me. Maybe they do in the dormitories or where they gather outside of the classroom but I don't see that. I had a few scrapes in middle school, myself, but none in high school because the kids I hung out with didn't get into that kind of thing. At least not often.

I won't pretend to know much about getting along in high school -- times have changed since I was there -- but it seems to me that when a person (classmate, teacher, neighbor or family member) can push your buttons and get you to respond with namecalling or fighting that person has control over you. It's almost like training a dog. You say one thing and the dog sits; you say another thing and the dog fetches. We might think of answering an insult with an insult as standing up for ourselves, but there are a lot of ways to do that, ways that won't result in you getting into trouble.

You CANNOT get suspended for telling somebody who tries to push your buttons -- "You're not worth my time" or "I've got better things to do than listen to this" and then walking away. You might get grief from people who enjoy watching others fight but you will NOT get suspended and you will have shown the other person they can't play you. And in the end that's most important, I think. That is, if YOU want to stay out of trouble.

Do well and be well, X. Stay positive and make good choices.

Beautiful but sad song about an unhappy home

Positive parenting

This is from an article by Shelly Lefkoe that was written for parents but could be informative and encouraging for young people in unhappy homes. (http://www.giftediam.com/the-10-things-parents-do-that-sabotage-their-childrens-happiness-and-success)


COMMON PARENTING ERROR #5


Being your child’s boss.

Let me explain what I mean by this.  The old school of parenting comes from the assumption that you’re the boss and that children should “Do as you’re told because I’m the parent.”

After working with literally thousands of clients one of the most common crippling beliefs I’ve found comes from this parental assumption. What belief do you think it is? Close your eyes and remember when you were a kid and were told to do things “because I said so,” or “do it or else,” or “don’t you dare talk back to me.” How did you feel? … What did you conclude? …  If you were a typical child you concluded, I’m powerless.

Children with this belief either become compliant or worse, rebellious (trying to get some power). Would you want either kind of child when they are offered drugs at school? Sex? The chance to cut school? I think not.

Eating disorders often result from these beliefs because the only thing you feel like you have power over is what goes into your body.  People who get into abusive relationships frequently have this belief.

POSITIVE PARENTING ALTERNATIVE

Give your children choices or use humor. Morty used to tell Britt it was time to brush her teeth before bed.  Then he would quickly say, “Do you want to march into the bathroom or should we sing into the bathroom?”  And she would often say laughing, “Let’s roll into the bathroom.”  And Morty would get down on the carpet and roll into the bathroom with her.

Let them do things their way when there is no danger.  My husband Morty has a wonderful parenting philosophy (“wonderful” because it is likely to result in positive beliefs, no just because I like it). If the kids weren’t hurting themselves, another, or some thing (property) they could do what they wanted. He said to them, “Being your dad doesn’t make me your boss.  Mom and I are here to guide you and keep you safe until you can do that on your own.”

As a result, our kids are incredibly independent and are not afraid to try new things, they travel anyplace in the world on their own, and they have taken responsibility for their own lives. And they’ve been like that since high school.

By the way, this does not mean we didn’t make a lot of parenting mistakes. We did and we learned from them. In fact, much of what I’m telling you here we learned the hard way.

Music video about young person in unhappy homes: Luka by Suzanne Vega

Verbal abuse

Being verbally abused is like being beaten with words.

I won't allow you to hurt me anymore

I won't allow you to hurt me anymore.

To a Young Friend

A couple times a week, I send a note to a young friend who is facing some challenges in his home. I'll post them here but leave out identifying information to protect my friend's identity.

X

Thanks for checking out my book and giving me feedback. I have given it to counselors with Big Brothers / Big Sisters, Alston Wilkes Youth Services, the Department of Juvenile Justice, Victim's Assistance Programs, Habitat for Humanity,  and many friends. I don't know that anybody will use it but I hope somebody will get some use out of it. By the way, that's your quote on page 4. You wrote it on my iPad when we went on the trip to wildlife preserve. Thanks. I know the pictures are crude but they're not supposed to be fancy or polished or perfect. Because nobody is perfect and the world isn't perfect. We can't draw perfect pictures or build perfect dog houses or make perfect grades. Too often young people in unhappy homes are made to feel they must be perfect and that's not right.

Peace,

elw

Nobody can be you like you can be you.

Some days ....

Some days dealing with parents in an unhappy home

 is like pushing a car up a hill ...

and some days it’s like running to avoid disaster.

Films with young people from unhappy homes

Good Will Hunting

Antwone Fisher

Precious

Harry Potter series of films

Boundaries

Many unhappy homes have walls but no boundaries. 

Clear boundaries among family members help everyone communicate in a healthy manner and live together peacefully and grow closer. When boundaries are absent or unclear, family members lie and manipulate to try to control one another, they interrupt one another, tease and humiliate one another even after being warned, and dismiss one another’s requests to be treated kindly. In unhappy homes without boundaries, family members don’t respect each other’s need to be individuals, to say when they feel they’ve been treated badly, made to feel uncomfortable, angry or violated. Members are discouraged from thinking for themselves, developing interests different from the other members or having relationships outside of the home. Because of this, it is often difficult for family members to see where they begin and others end. Growing up in an unhappy home without boundaries often leads young people into unhealthy and controlling relationships where they are either the one being manipulated or manipulating others.

No-win situations

In the classic nursery rhyme Three Little Kittens, the mother of the three kittens scolds them for losing their mittens, then praises them for finding their mittens and tells them to put them on and eat some pie. When the kittens put the mittens on and eat some pie, they soil the mittens with berry juice. The mother cat scolds the kittens for getting the mittens soiled even though they only did what she told them to do. From my view, this looks like the kittens were set up.

Young people growing up in unhappy homes often find themselves in situations where they can't win. Either the rules aren't clear, or the rules change constantly or they're not enforced regularly or fairly. It's crazy-making and the effects of this kind of treatment can spill over into the young person's performance in school or at work. If parents or guardians have unreasonable expectations for the young person's performance in school but doesn't offer the support the young person needs to succeed -- for example, a quiet space at home to study, regular visits to the public library, exposure to events and programs that can enhance learning -- the young person might not achieve all that he or she could. That's a no-win situation.

Any number of reasons can be offered to explain why parents would treat their children this way but it might simply be they are unsure or unskilled in establishing and enforcing discipline. Maybe they're not aware they are giving mixed messages. Maybe they're so afraid of appearing uncertain or fear being challenged that they bark orders no matter what those orders are and even if they contradict earlier orders. A young person -- or anyone else for that matter -- growing up in this environment might find it difficult to work through problems, to understand instructions, or to plan and execute a project to completion.

The next time you feel you've entered a no-win situations, do the best you can and remember it's not you that's crazy.

(Illustration by Caitlin B. Alexander.  http://cbaillustration.com/)

Emotionally Hungry Parents

According to Robert Firestone's article Emotional Hunger vs. Love.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-human-experience/200902/emotional-hunger-vs-love

Emotionally hungry parents try to feed their need for attachment and connection by over-protecting their children, which can emotionally cripple their children and limit their ability to get along with others. Emotionally hungry parents who are also overly concerned about their own physical health can create excessive worry about illness, disease or death in their children.  Some overly protective parents try to isolate their children from peers and others outside the family who they think might be negative influences. This can limit the child in his or her exposure to a variety of different attitudes and approaches to life. The children of emotionally hungry parents have trouble trusting other people and functioning in the world. 

Many emotionally hungry parents violate their children's personal boundaries by inappropriately touching them, going through their belongings, reading their mail, and requiring them to perform for friends and relatives. This keeps the child from developing independence and personal freedom. Many emotionally hungry mothers and fathers speak for their children, take over their productions as their own, brag excessively about their accomplishments, and attempt to live through their children.

Letter to an Abuser

Letter to an Abuser:

You're false and manipulative and crazy-making.

You build nothing.

You just tear down and destroy.

You've cursed and beaten me

 and blamed me for the abuse.

You’ve succeeded in replacing respect with fear

in your tightly controlled world.

Others, at least for a while, think that you're great when you are not.

I spend way too much time trying to figure out why you're so messed up.

You're weak and pretend to be strong.

You're self-pitying.

Nothing is your fault but you make

everyone around you miserable.

You don’t listen to anyone but yourself.

I have never felt this way about another human being.

I must forgive you so I can be free of you.

And so I do.

Emotional Abuse

In emotional abuse, the victim is usually coerced verbally accompanied by unceasing criticism, rejection, and browbeating. Compared to physical abuse, the impact of emotional abuse is way more damaging, and its effects on the feelings of the victim last longer. Continuous mistreatment from the abuser weakens and eventually breaks the victim's spirit. All courage will be lost and confidence fades along with the sense of self-worth. The victim will be so battered emotionally that his mental state is no longer capable of seeing the reality of the situation and he blames himself for everything. Victims do not usually show that they are being abused and never talk about the ongoing emotional torture because of embarrassment and fear. It is difficult to determine abuse in most cases but here are some helpful signs to identify the existence of emotional abuse

Signs of an Emotionally Abused Teen
By Wirnani Garner

1  Lacks energy and exhibits extreme boredom on any given type of activities at home or in school.

2  Easily gets distracted, thinking is slow, and concentration is decreased, which leads to low grades

3  Low self-esteem and always thinks bad or low about himself

4  Exhibits abasement behavior by blaming oneself about any negative events of his life

5  Shows excessive depression to any type of rejection and lacks motivation in trying to correct that failure.

6  Feels desperate and hopeless about life and neglects his personal looks and hygiene.

7  Demonstrates sadness by isolating himself, constantly crying, and getting into arts like music and poetry containing negative themes (such as death and hatred)

8  Displays bitterness and lacks connection among others, whether it be friends or family

9  Overly secretive and has difficulty in expressing ones feelings, believing that nobody ever listens to him.

10  Constantly complains about being sick, having headaches, stomach pains, dizziness and the need to throw up.

11  Existence of inappropriate hysterical outrage and destructive behavior towards other people; may also be destructive of his surroundings and acts out, setting fires, engaging in vandalism and animal cruelty.

12  Shows unstable patterns of sleep -- is unable to sleep at night, has difficulty in waking up for school, and sleeps during day time.

13  Finds comfort in drugs and alcohol leading to excessive addiction

14  Exhibits abnormal eating patterns such as eating and throwing up (bulimia), extreme decrease in weight due to loss of appetite (anorexia), extreme weight gain due to excessive eating (obesity)

15  Highly pessimistic about life and shows it by being suicidal and self-destructive -- cutting ones skin, pulling of hair, and beating oneself until body is black and blue.

16  Runs away from home and joins clubs or gangs that are into committing crime and violence

Also, see this link: http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/families/family_abuse.html#

A Safe Place

Feeling safe in an unhappy home can be tough.

Sometimes it helps to imagine a place that is free of the yelling and anger.

  If you can’t get out of the house,

go there in your head when the shouting starts.

What does a healthy family look like?

In its Help Yourself series of online articles, the University of Kansas Counseling Services describes the qualities of a healthy family.

“Healthy families are not perfect; they may have yelling, bickering, misunderstanding, tension, hurt, and anger - but not all the time. In healthy families emotional expression is allowed and accepted. Family members can freely ask for and give attention. Rules tend to be made explicit and remain consistent, but with some flexibility to adapt to individual needs and particular situations. Healthy families allow for individuality; each member is encouraged to pursue his or her own interests, and boundaries between individuals are honored.

“Children are consistently treated with respect, and do not fear emotional, verbal, physical, or sexual abuse. Parents can be counted on to provide care for their children. Children are given responsibilities appropriate to their age and are not expected to take on parental responsibilities. Finally, in healthy families everyone makes mistakes; mistakes are allowed. Perfection is unattainable, unrealistic, and potentially dull and sterile.

“There are many types of dysfunction in families. Some parents under-function, leaving their children to fend for themselves. Other parents over-function, never allowing their children to grow up and be on their own. Others are inconsistent or violate basic boundaries of appropriate behavior.”

(http://www.k-state.edu/counseling/topics/relationships/dysfunc.html)

Living with domestic violence

From http://www.findcounseling.com/journal/domestic-violence/domestic-violence-children.html

Being a teenager is difficult, as most of us remember. But being a teenager and living in a house infected with domestic violence can have devastating, life-long effects. Teens living with domestic violence face the unique problem of trying to fit in with their peers while keeping their home life a secret. Teens in shelters often face the problem of having to move and begin school in a new place, having to make new friends while feeling the shame of living in a shelter. Needless to say, their family relationships can be strained to the breaking point. The result can be teens who never learn to form trusting, lasting relationships, or teens who end up in violent relationships themselves.

In addition, teens face the same issues as younger children in an abusive family, namely feeling lonely and isolated, growing up too fast, behavior problems, stress related medical and mental health problems, and school problems. Teenagers are also faced with entering into the dating world for the first time. They are formulating their own theories about relationships, and some may not have the best models on which to base a healthy relationship. They have witnessed the cycle of violence with the abuse, apologies from the perpetrator, tensions building and more abuse. Unfortunately, some teenagers may be faced with a higher risk of being victims of dating violence and as mentioned earlier, ending up in violent relationships as adults either as victims or abusers.

Living with Fighting Parents

Sometimes living with fighting parents

 is like waiting for an explosion.

You never know who’s going to go off or when.

 You try to stay out of the way but they always seem

to pull you into it -- trying to get you to take sides.

You try not to take sides but sometimes you have to

and you feel awful about it.

Forgive yourself. It’s not your fault.

On Staying Positive

                          

This information was provided by KidsHealth^®, one of the largest resources online for

medically reviewed health information written for parents, kids, and teens. For more articles

like this, visit KidsHealth.org or TeensHealth.org. ©1995- 2012.  The Nemours

Foundation/KidsHealth^®.   All rights reserved.

“Try to stop thinking negative thoughts about yourself. If you're used to focusing on your

shortcomings, start thinking about positive aspects of yourself that outweigh them. When you

catch yourself being too critical, counter it by saying something positive about yourself.  Each

day, write down three things about yourself that make you happy.

“Aim for accomplishments rather than perfection. Some people become paralyzed by

perfection. Instead of holding yourself back with thoughts like, "I won't audition for the play

until I lose 10  pounds," think about what you're good at and what you enjoy, and go for it.

“View mistakes as learning opportunities. Accept that you will make mistakes because

everyone does. Mistakes are part of learning. Remind yourself that a person's talents are

constantly developing, and everyone excels at different things — it's what makes people

interesting.

“Try new things. Experiment with different activities that will help you get in touch with your

talents. Then take pride in new skills you develop.

“Recognize what you can change and what you can't. If you realize that you're unhappy

with something about yourself that you can change, then start today. If it's something you can't

change (like your height), then start to work toward loving yourself the way you are.

“Set goals. Think about what you'd like to accomplish, then make a plan for how to do it. Stick

with your plan and keep track of your progress.

“Take pride in your opinions and ideas. Don't be afraid to voice them.

“Make a contribution. Tutor a classmate who's having trouble, help clean up your

neighborhood, participate in a walkathon for a good cause, or volunteer your time in some

other way. Feeling like you're making a difference and that your help is valued can do wonders

to improve self esteem.

“Exercise! You'll relieve stress and be healthier and happier.

“Have fun. Ever found yourself thinking stuff like ‘I'd have more friends if I were thinner’?

Enjoy spending time with the people you care about and doing the things you love.”

(http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/emotions/self_esteem.html#)