Forms of destructive control

Some controlling tactics are more subtle than others but when combined with fear of disagreeing with or disappointing a parent, these can limit a young person's growth and ability to make his / her own decisions.

Excerpt from http://www.wikihow.com/Cope-With-a-Controlling-Parent

Watch for attempts to isolate you or to trivialize the influence of other loved ones. Control is easier to establish and maintain if you have few people around besides your controlling parent(s). If your parent keeps you away from grandparents, aunts and uncles, or friends, it's a warning sign. Or, if your parent encourages relationships with others, but then says bad things about those people after they're gone, that's a clue, too.

Saying things like, "Your uncle is a nice guy, but for a guy so smart about trout fishing, he has no ambitions above where he is right now. His house is tiny, and he'll probably never be able to do any better than that," tells you that your parent does not respect your uncle at all -- in fact, this kind of remark is intended to influence your opinion and respect for your uncle. Perhaps your uncle is a nice and good person with low ambitions -- he may be content with little, and therefore shuns promotions -- he would rather have less money but more time to go fishing, which costs next to nothing. There's nothing wrong with this philosophy -- it is a simple life choice.

Your parent will have made a different one, perhaps his/her life choice is to be driven and rise higher and higher up the corporate ladder while your not-so-ambitious uncle prefers his simpler, less complicated life and doesn't mind that it also means he makes less money. The choice is value neutral -- it is simply a matter of preference in the big picture, but your parent doesn't respect anyone who doesn't constantly strive, clawing his/her way up -- again, a different philosophy and nothing wrong with it.

But -- your parent really doesn't want you taking your uncle's example, and what s/he is really saying is, "Listen to me, kid, because even though your uncle is nice, he's a loser, and you don't want to end up like him." The parent then makes sure you realize that it's his or her own advice you should always take, and never anyone else's, utterly rejecting a different life philosophy, and in the process, attempting to persuade you to reject not only the philosophy, but the person.

Life with narcissistic parents

Many unhappy homes are made unhappy by at least one narcissistic parent. Young people growing up with a self-absorbed, manipulative and abusive father or mother know a special kind of misery. But these young people eventually grow up and start their own lives. Arlene Matthews Uhl cautions, however, that narcissistic parents rarely if ever change so being prepared for them will help control the amount of damage they can do. Much of the behavior she describes took place while the young person was living at home, too. I have added my own notes in CAPS.

From The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Coping with Difficult People by Arlene Matthews Uhl

Most grown children of narcissists manage to achieve some degree of separation from their parents, or so it would appear. They move out of the house, pursue careers, get married, and start families of their own. But if you are the adult child of narcissistic parents, you already know that they still do not truly treat you as a fully independent adult. Narcissistic parents are renowned for a number of difficult behaviors:

• Giving unwanted advice. These parents want you to live your life according to their script. They have no end of ideas about how your actions will reflect on them, whether it’s why you should go to law school or why you should dump your current love interest. [NARCISSISTIC PARENTS MIGHT DEMAND THAT THEIR TEENAGE CHILDREN TAKE PARTICULAR COURSES AND EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES IN SCHOOL WITHOUT CONSULTING THEM OR REQUIRE APPROVAL OF COMPANIONS AND POTENTIAL DATES.]
• Intruding and snooping. They may barge in unannounced, or call every day and talk at great length. When they’re in your home, they may feel free to peek into your drawers or browse through your outgoing mail. In their minds, they don’t need permission—after all, they’re your parents! [NARCISSISTIC PARENTS MIGHT ENTER A ROOM WITHOUT KNOCKING, IGNORE REQUESTS FOR PRIVACY WHILE A TEENAGE CHILD IS SHOWERING OR BATHING OR OPEN THEIR CHILD'S SNAIL MAIL OR EMAIL.]
• Tuning out or overreacting to “bad news.” Even a relatively minor setback for you can create a near-hysterical reaction in the narcissistic parent, who doesn’t know how to process disappointment appropriately. Alternatively, they might not acknowledge that you could possibly have any problems. [NARCISSISTIC PARENTS WILL IGNORE PROBLEMS OR DIFFICULTIES THEIR CHILDREN ARE HAVING OR LEAVE THEM FOR OTHERS TO RESOLVE OR CLEAN UP.]
• Offering too much information. There are things about our parents that we don’t necessarily want to know—but narcissistic parents will discuss their most private matters anyway. Such moms and dads are also prone to blaming each other for their troubles and trying to get you to take sides. [FOR YOUNG PEOPLE, PARENTS DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE OR RESPECT PARENT / CHILD BOUNDARIES.]
• Acting helpless. Narcissists want attention at any cost. Although they do not enjoy feeling vulnerable, they are not above acting vulnerable if it gets them what they want. Sometimes parents believe that the best way to get their children’s attention is to create situations where they appear to require an inordinate amount of assistance. [FOR YOUNG PEOLE IN UNHAPPY HOMES, THE WORST CONDITION IS TO BE THE CHILD OF A  NARCISSISTIC PARENT WHO IS ALSO A HYPOCHONDRIAC.]

Scars left by child abuse

It might not seem like it sometimes but the world

is not all unhappiness and disappointment.

The creators of Helpguide.org, which publishes self-help articles on mental and emotional wellness, describe the wounds left on children in unhappy homes.

“All types of child abuse and neglect leave lasting scars. Some of these scars might be physical, but emotional scarring has long lasting effects throughout life, damaging a child’s sense of self, ability to have healthy relationships, and ability to function at home, at work and at school. Some effects include:

“Lack of trust and relationship difficulties. If you can’t trust your parents, who can you trust? Abuse by a primary caregiver damages the most fundamental relationship as a child — that you will safely, reliably get your physical and emotional needs met by the person who is responsible for your care. Without this base, it is very difficult to learn to trust people or know who is trustworthy. This can lead to difficulty maintaining relationships due to fear of being controlled or abused. It can also lead to unhealthy relationships because the adult doesn’t know what a good relationship is.

“Core feelings of being ‘worthless’ or ‘damaged.’ If you’ve been told over and over again as a child that you are stupid or no good, it is very difficult to overcome these core feelings. You may experience them as reality. Adults may not strive for more education, or settle for a job that may not pay enough, because they don’t believe they can do it or are worth more. Sexual abuse survivors, with the stigma and shame surrounding the abuse, often especially struggle with a feeling of being damaged.

“Trouble regulating emotions. Abused children cannot express emotions safely. As a result, the emotions get stuffed down, coming out in unexpected ways. Adult survivors of child abuse can struggle with unexplained anxiety, depression, or anger. They may turn to alcohol or drugs to numb out the painful feelings.”

(http://helpguide.org/mental/child_abuse_physical_emotional_sexual_neglect.htm)

Helping Witnesses

From Alice Miller: Child Abuse and Mistreatment
http://www.alice-miller.com/books_en.php?page=2a

Miller writes about a "helping witness"—someone who acts (routinely, or even once at a critical time) with kindness toward the child and who somehow, by looking into the child's eyes, shows the child another way to live and be. This helper may have no idea of his or her role but nonetheless acts as a counterweight to the cruelty or neglect a child experiences. DR Miller says that a critical prerequisite for normal survival is that at least once in their lives, mistreated children come into contact with a person who understands that the environment, not the child, is at fault. This helping witness teaches the child that he or she is worthy of kindness. This lesson is the basis for resilience.

To a Young Friend

Hello X:

I didn't get to hear about your problem with the teacher yesterday before you left. I got the story from (your brother). I don't have to deal with these kinds of problems where I teach. College students are more mature and so don't get into namecalling and such ... at least around me. Maybe they do in the dormitories or where they gather outside of the classroom but I don't see that. I had a few scrapes in middle school, myself, but none in high school because the kids I hung out with didn't get into that kind of thing. At least not often.

I won't pretend to know much about getting along in high school -- times have changed since I was there -- but it seems to me that when a person (classmate, teacher, neighbor or family member) can push your buttons and get you to respond with namecalling or fighting that person has control over you. It's almost like training a dog. You say one thing and the dog sits; you say another thing and the dog fetches. We might think of answering an insult with an insult as standing up for ourselves, but there are a lot of ways to do that, ways that won't result in you getting into trouble.

You CANNOT get suspended for telling somebody who tries to push your buttons -- "You're not worth my time" or "I've got better things to do than listen to this" and then walking away. You might get grief from people who enjoy watching others fight but you will NOT get suspended and you will have shown the other person they can't play you. And in the end that's most important, I think. That is, if YOU want to stay out of trouble.

Do well and be well, X. Stay positive and make good choices.

Beautiful but sad song about an unhappy home

Positive parenting

This is from an article by Shelly Lefkoe that was written for parents but could be informative and encouraging for young people in unhappy homes. (http://www.giftediam.com/the-10-things-parents-do-that-sabotage-their-childrens-happiness-and-success)


COMMON PARENTING ERROR #5


Being your child’s boss.

Let me explain what I mean by this.  The old school of parenting comes from the assumption that you’re the boss and that children should “Do as you’re told because I’m the parent.”

After working with literally thousands of clients one of the most common crippling beliefs I’ve found comes from this parental assumption. What belief do you think it is? Close your eyes and remember when you were a kid and were told to do things “because I said so,” or “do it or else,” or “don’t you dare talk back to me.” How did you feel? … What did you conclude? …  If you were a typical child you concluded, I’m powerless.

Children with this belief either become compliant or worse, rebellious (trying to get some power). Would you want either kind of child when they are offered drugs at school? Sex? The chance to cut school? I think not.

Eating disorders often result from these beliefs because the only thing you feel like you have power over is what goes into your body.  People who get into abusive relationships frequently have this belief.

POSITIVE PARENTING ALTERNATIVE

Give your children choices or use humor. Morty used to tell Britt it was time to brush her teeth before bed.  Then he would quickly say, “Do you want to march into the bathroom or should we sing into the bathroom?”  And she would often say laughing, “Let’s roll into the bathroom.”  And Morty would get down on the carpet and roll into the bathroom with her.

Let them do things their way when there is no danger.  My husband Morty has a wonderful parenting philosophy (“wonderful” because it is likely to result in positive beliefs, no just because I like it). If the kids weren’t hurting themselves, another, or some thing (property) they could do what they wanted. He said to them, “Being your dad doesn’t make me your boss.  Mom and I are here to guide you and keep you safe until you can do that on your own.”

As a result, our kids are incredibly independent and are not afraid to try new things, they travel anyplace in the world on their own, and they have taken responsibility for their own lives. And they’ve been like that since high school.

By the way, this does not mean we didn’t make a lot of parenting mistakes. We did and we learned from them. In fact, much of what I’m telling you here we learned the hard way.